Widening the Horizon

I'm only female and certainly one of those who goes slightly weak in the knees when showered with attention and that bit of love. A normal recurrence when all we want is to feel loved. By the people around us, families and also the opposite gender. As per the song, "Who doesn't want.. Someone to hold.."

In the midst of the on-off dating scene with Mr Conversationalist, whom always pulls the right strings to the heart, seeing that he knows every nook and corners of this fragile heart, I started mingling too. Cos at the back of my mind, I was tired. Tired of waiting for Mr Conversationalist. I wanted someone who could be there for me, unconditionally.

Well, this chap that caught my eyes, has always been there. Somewhere around the corner. Someone that I have known for a bit more than a decade but yet only small talks were the only form of communication that ever rose between us.

As our paths crossed that fateful night, our blinded hearts getting intertwined, blurring our minds for that moment, we glided closer. Closer than before. A leap of faith, littered with uncertainties but yet I went ahead, with both eyes open.

We bonded a lot, shared many fears together and enjoyed each other's company throughout the dating process. He was a bit of a traditionalist at heart, while I was more of the realist. Taking the world at my hand. That difference was not so jarring in the early stage. It was a compromising situation between me and him. He will pull, I will relent. I will pull, he will relent. Let's call it the yin and yang.

Despite the little age gap between us, his interests differs from mine. And it does not help that he knows I was still meeting Mr Conversationalist and still wanting to go out and mingle. He took it in his stand and stood against all odds. He persevered.

HurtFemale? She was lost. Undecided. Was she to put one foot in and compromise her lifestyle or continue what she believes in and still hang by the non-existent thread held by the past? Oh.. What a life..

The Passing..

Life is short, or so they say. Live life. They did forget to mention that life is not a smooth journey but one that is peppered with sugar and spice, and sometimes with some others that ain't nice.



I just had an encounter. An acquaintance that was happily married for over a year, who just came back from their honeymoon, a Euro Trip, nonetheless and as God has it, bestowed her with a beautiful creation, a pregnancy. What an almost perfect journey.



Months and months, they waited for the arrival of their loved one. The apple of their eye. The heartbeat of their life. The result of a beautiful union between two souls. And after the many preparations and with much great anticipation from immediate families and friends, a beautiful daughter was born. Welcomed to the world with so much love.



Sadly, as life has it, in the days of the ladies' confinement, something happened. A suspected heart failure befall the newly-titled mother, just after ten days of birth. She lay dead on the bed, with the daughter on top. She was discovered by her own parents and dear husband was a little too late, to catch her, a fallen angel.



Trauma would be a minor word to describe what the families felt. A life was given but yet another was taken away, without so much of a notice. Not even any signs.



In the misery of others, I say a silent prayer. For I hope she will be in a better place. Away from all pain and darkness. My prayer, ladden with much sadness goes to the surviving husband and their precious daughter. To stay strong. Keep on looking forward and love, like you have never loved any other. A life has ended but another life has started. God is great, I'm sure there is a plan. Somewhere, out there. May we find a path to life that is blessed and loved.



From here, I learnt, life may end, for you and me, at the drop of a pin. No one knows what fate and destiny has for us. So, love like you have never loved before. Appreciate their presence when they are still here. Cos you might never know, when they stop being here.

Dear Acquaintance,

My heartfelt prayers are with you. May your soul be blessed and may you be in a better place.
Amin.

Love, Your Acquaintance

Just Another Thought

Have you tried trying so hard to please that you forgo your own happiness, desire and feelings just to accommodate your partner? The unnoticed sacrifices you did, the silent war within yourself and the heartaches you go through, in the name of love?

If life is a bitch, then all of us are part of it. Umpteen times I have tried, loving myself first before loving another. But once I'm through that hole, I tend to give way. Hurting myself in the process and god, the tears and pain I put up with, oh really, the strength of a woman.

I tripped and fall, mustered enough courage, tripped again and fall again. Despite that many failures, I tried and tried again. If courage is my strength, courage is my weakness too. If I fear just that tiny bit, maybe I might have learned. Learn not to be too fearless in searching for the true meaning of life, or love.

Do not search for love, they say. Let love come in search of us. Maybe it's time we cut some slack in the expectation department and see what life has in store for us.

For now, I'll take my glass of wine, sit back and see what the world has got to offer. But just that, do not forget, in love, there's hurt. If there is no hurt, it's not called love.

It certainly ain't for the weak hearted..

Passing Through Life

Where there is love, there is pain.. When all is said and done, we are back at a spot where we began..

Unexplainable Forces

As I stepped into his abode the next day, his room stank of alcohol. Or was it his breath? I feel so much anger building in my system. A leopard never changes its spots? A good example, I believe. I left the room and sulked in the living area. I kept asking myself, "Why do I keep coming back to someone that is so insensitive to my feelings? Why am I such a blonde?"




After all I did, with just that thread of gratitude, all I want is for him to be well and stop gallivanting. But as he proves to me his capabilities, even when he is injured, any amount of hope evaporates into thin air.



When he wakes up, pretending nothing happened, with his usual antic, soon, a screaming match pursued. I had enough. Enough of me loving him too much, enough of me swallowing my self-worth and pride, enough of my sacrifices. I had to go.



With his ego thick in his head, he asked me to leave, not to come back. Well, good riddance, I thought. For all I have done, I received a "Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am". With a very broken heart, I packed my bags. His Mom peered at me, asked me to simmer myself down with the drink that she had just made for me, while I sobbed in silence. I hugged her, asked for any forgiveness as I told her, that I give up. Give up fighting for this love. Fighting for any ray of hope. She engulfed me in her hug, wiping my tears and telling me to give him time. I'm afraid too much time has passed on. Too much in fact.


All this while, he stay locked in his room. Unwilling to open the door even as I bid goodbye, wanting to take my clothes that was placed in the wardrobe. So, I left.

Left his home, left his life, left whatever remaining memories I have of him. It was an open cut to my heart. Once again, in our relationship, we decided to end it all.



The only person that stopped communicating with me was him whilst his family members ever so often calls and sometimes even hanging out with his Elder Sister. He ever voiced his regret to them but I guess I had enough of the dramas. 4 years I engulfed myself in the roller coaster ride and now, I have ran out of zest for it.
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Many would not believe this, but I chose to forgive him as we met again couple of months later. We hanged out again, dated and dined and became friends, all over again. We talked about our pasts, laughed at each other about it and still share a similar dream, while gazing at the stars above.


We still find each other at the end of the day, despite the hurt and who is to blame, when love conquers all? But slowly we are taking, a step at a time. Never to hurt again. We were better off friends, best as lovers but as partners, we needed time. This time round, as 2 years has passed, we are happier this way.


Well, friends and families definitely put a wager on this. My current dates can never figure out my relationship with him. If you ask me, I have no idea as well. I am unable to put a word to it. It is that kind of love. Just unexplainable. Something that is only understood, between me and Mr Conversationalist. Perhaps.


Age plays a part in this too, as we mature and tackle problems with a better mindset. Mind before heart, remember, never to hurt again.


To a love that no one understands, he is a very special one.

Tiring Journey

I only rested my eyes for 3 to 4 hours a day as I was busy shuttling from home and the hospital as I do not want to leave him all alone in the ward. I cooked his favourite dishes as he abhors the bland tasteless meals but supposedly healthy. Kept him company, entertained guests that came to visit him, in short, played "mother" to him.

Our families were a tad happy seeing that we were back on track despite the accident, he got off the hook with the law with Brother's assistance and only ended up paying a fine. Soon after, he was well enough to be home and god, were we relieved. Not that I was complaining, I was a willing partner. We got hold of whatever prescription and medication for home consumption and left.

Once home, I settled him in front of the telly, lay the mattress, the lining and propped some pillows just trying to provide the utmost comfort. His Mom was off at the stall and everyone else was at work, so I cooked up some comfort food for the poor injured boy, keeping in mind not to cook any food that might lead to an itch to his injuries. All nice and fed, just as I was to rest my head on the pillow, I heard a greeting at the door. Opening my eyes, I went to the door just to find "The Good Friends" at the door, wanting to visit him. With snobbish faces they entered the house and made themselves at home. Mr Conversationalist woke up from his slumber shortly whilst I was making drinks for them.

The urge to dump poison in the drinks was so great but as logic has it, I will never get into trouble with the law for people that do not even deserve my recognition as friends. Why bother..? I left the guys to their own device and retreated to the room for a nap. I was tired, exhausted, bushed, battered in all these. A couple of hours later, his Mom came home, just in time for his bath and re-application of his medications on his wounds. I laid him to rest and resume chatting with his Mom. Seeing that he was sleeping and nothing have to be done not till the next day for his medication, I excused myself to get home as I was away for quite a couple of days.

Breathing in the familiar tingling smell of my comfortable room, I had a niggling feeling running down the spine of my back. I avoided thinking too much into it and continued doing my own stuffs. Updated my family with his condition, chatted a bit and as night crept in, I wanted to retire for the night. Before that, I thought a phonecall to his Mom would be nice just to check if all is fine.

HurtFemale : "Mom, is Mr Conversationalist ok? Did he want anything?"
His Mom: "That boy really is naughty, HurtFemale. He just left home. He said going for supper with the boys. I told him to stay home since if he is outside, he can't feed himself with the cast on his hands and all. Did he tell you where he went?"

There comes the explaination for that niggling feeling. A tear dropped hearing his Mom sighing to fate.

Hurtfemale: "Never mind ok. I will call him and ask. You better go to sleep. He is old enough to look after himself."
His Mom: "I do not know what to say to you. Maybe it "slipped" his mind that all these while you are the one looking after him eversince the accident, not his friends. You don't worry about him. You go to sleep soon."

We hanged up the phone and as I lay on my bed, I just could not stop the tears that streamed down my cheek. I was tired, looking after him, his every needs and what did he do? The first night he was out of hospital, he spent the night away with his friends. Should I resign myself to fate or should I fight on?

I called his mobile and as expected, I did not receive an answer. Soon, a text came in, from his friends, nicely telling me not to worry and that they will look after Mr Conversationalist. They were at this particular cafe hanging out and having supper. That's a nice change from his friend or was it sarcasm hiding itself?

I just wanted to close my eyes and rest. I did not want to worry about him no more. Since he can leave home and hang out, I'm sure he could put his life together. I had "mothered" him enough. With that, I fell into a deep slumber, one that I needed.

Down and Out

Coming through the Emergency Room doors, I was awashed with too many negative emotions and too many unanswered questions. As soon as I saw his family members, I just lunged forward and hugged his Mom tight as she tried to coaxed my tears to stop. His Elder Sister and both Elder Brothers brought me aside shortly to give me the breakdown of the whole drama.

Mr Conversationalist was suspected of drink riding. He is in Emergency for the past 3 hours and has yet to be revived due to unconciousness. Families were contacted through the findings of his wallet at the back of his very tattered jeans. I burst into more tears and requested for Emergency to let me in, citing my position as his "wife". That too was declined. In fact, no one was supposed to be let in. I begged my way through but still failed.

I slumped against the door, feeling much defeated. Why did he have to do this? What is in for all of us after this? Will he survive? As I was feeling all lost and beaten, I felt a hug. It came from my cousin who rushed down upon hearing the heartbreaking news. I rested my head on her shoulder and sobbed louder. Soon, another hug engulfed us. I turned and saw my families in full force. My immediate families, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. All looking beaten and yet came in with a weak smile. I was touched.

They brought me to the cafeteria for a bite yet anything that landed on my taste bud didn't wake my senses. Not till one of my Uncle came and informed that he was out of Emergency and will be warded shortly. I swiftly moved my heavy feets and went off to the ward, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Mr Conversationalist.

As all of us stood by his bed, awaiting for his arrival, my heart grew heavy. Not sure of what to see or expect, my cousins hugged me. The emotional support, the pillar of strength. When he was wheeled in, I whimpered softly while hushed sobs were heard. He pulled through but his accident injuries were terrible. Huge abrasions on his back and front. Cut on legs, arms and face. His face swell to nearly twice than normal.

Elder Sister gave him a stern warning of not repeating the act again. He just closed his eyes and listened through. His Mom was sobbing quietly and then my Mom came to his aide. Rubbing and kissing his forehead, a steady stream of tear stained his eyeline. Mom was tearing but yet thankful that he made through. The actions wobbled my knees as they rested me on the chair. I just could not look at him. My families engulfed me in another hug as they advised me to leave the past where it was and to be there for him in moment of need.

Words of encouragements came flying and the situation was as sombre still. He saw my face and managed a weak smile. Touching his arm lightly, I slid my head next to his head rest and said, "Everything is going to be fine". He closed his eyes and tears streamed his face, once again.

Soon, my Elder Brother who has contacts with the police pulled some strings and tried to get more information of the incident. Both our brothers settled the issue that night and as the crowd thinned out, my parents advised me to stay and keep him company. Everyone came and hugged and gave me more encouragements to be strong and promising to return the next day for another visit.

Before my families left, my Aunts came to me and said, "Forgive him for what he has done. People make mistakes. Seeing that you still love him, give him another chance. Take this opportunity to show him, despite all, you are the one who is still there for him. Not his gallivanting companions." I took those words strongly and soon they left.

Just me and him, at the ward, I stroked him lightly to sleep. He must have been very worned out. His injured body lay on the bed as I looked on. The man I loved and still love. I called my Bosses slightly before midnight and they immediately put me on an official week leave. They too promised a visit soon to the hospital.

Not wanting to question his whereabouts, knowing that it is a very bad time to be "investigative", I rested my head at the foot of the bed and as I was lulled into a dreamy state. I was awokened by a buzzing vibration. I opened my tired eyes to see that his semi-alive phone receiving signal. I picked up the phone and the following conversation follows:

Caller: "Hey.. Sleeping? We want to go to the karaoke pub. Let's go!"

HurtFemale: "Huh?! Hello.. Who is this?"
Caller: "Eh sorry.. Is this HurtFemale? Is Mr Conversationalist in? This is XXXXXX"
HurtFemale: "Oh XXXXXX.. Anyways, were you guys out yesterday?"
Caller: "Why are you asking so much question? Is Mr Conversationalist there? If you want to know anything, ask him. Doubt he will, seeing that you guys are no longer together."

HurtFemale knows by now, who his companion from the previous night was. The male's way of snaking their way through just failed by me. So, in that exhaustion, I mustered enough courage to blast this male on the phone.

HurtFemale: "So much for being his friends and partying your night away together and when he is now in the hospital, nearly dying, where are you guys? Apparently and supposedly the self-confessed good friends? Are you guys even aware he is in the hospital? Yes? No? Are you guys only friends in good times? Shame on you!"

The caller just listened on to my spiteful rantings and when I was over and done with, "click", I disconnected the line. So much anger was within me. I took a walk at the lobby and went for a quiet smoke at the carpark as I reflected back on the whole situation.