Becoming Queen of Paranoia

Couple of months went on, without myself committing officially to Mr Conversationalist. He was a likeable person, be it by my colleagues, families or friends. A humble nice boy-next-door. He would sent breakfasts to my workplace, picks me up from work, joins the after-work-parties, mingles freely with my family and as usual, often holds a great conversation with almost anyone.

I was happy with what I have, he, a safety net that I would fall into should anything goes wrong. In fact, as we all know, rarely, anything would be wrong in courtship days. Everything will be rosy and nice and impossible is nothing. Been there? I had. Then, there was a yearning in me. Someone to call my own.

One night, when we were on the way to a karaoke session with my boss, I told him yes, even without any questions asked. His eyes went wide opened and he nearly let go of my arm and ran the whole circumference of the carpark. He went slightly bonkers while I was grinning from ear to ear. How nice does it feel to be the bearer of good news. We joined my colleagues and boss that night, with an extra bounce in our steps. Happy and exhilarated with our newfound status.

7 months of courtship to make myself mentally ready and to accept him as being a part of my life. He was a very patient man with little temper while I was the fiery lady who didn't want anything to go wrong. Since my past experience taught me a few things about mens, I thought a little bit of precaution would not have hurt. Boy, was I wrong.

I treated him as innocent as a baby could be. Pure and innocent with no prejudice. All I know was, I didn't want him to fail me. Through his bad experience, it was a similar criteria too. All I wanted was, honesty and love in a relationship. Finally, one fine night, he made a mistake that he paid his dues for a very long time.

People told me, the mistake he did, which was to keep in contact with someone from the past was too minor for me to keep harping on. But did anyone understood my pain? The pain of opening my heart once again to someone I learnt to love yet finds that his past is catching up with him. I gave up, as easy as that. I thought, I rather pay the price of getting minorly hurt now than getting major heartbreaks.

He went bonkers. He came looking for me at my workplace, seeking for forgiveness, brought white roses to my house and did many possible things to ask for my forgiveness. I thought. Why should I let anything from our past dictate our relationship? And damn, I love this boy! All the time I was avoiding him, I missed him just as much. Apart from that mistake he did, he was nice to me, always there for me, was never rude to me, took care of me, loves me like how I love. There was barely any reason strong enough for me to banish him to the "storage room".

We made it very clear on the very lines that we have to respect. But sadly, as an emotional woman with "cheating past partners", I was an emotional wreck. A failure with trust and became Queen of Paranoia. And poor Mr Conversationalist paid the price through his nose.

Still, he was patient with me. He answered all my "investigative" questions, was by my side most of the free time or we were "married" to each other family. He understood that he had hurt my trust and the only way he needs to get it mended is to earn it back. Slowly.