This blog is dedicated to my lifelong suffering with the opposite sex. How I reacted to hormonal changes and falls in and out of love or infatuation with them. As I try to recall the years of roller-coaster emotion all in the name of a relationship, I hope with this writings, I am able to bid goodbye to all the pain and hurt I felt after all these years and move on to a better tomorrow.
All the writings to follow through are from real-life experience and what one girl went through in pursuit of life and love. May God bless my soul, to let go of the bitter memories.. Amin..
And the story unfolds:
I was a geek. More like an ugly duckling. I only blossom to be an attractive teenager at a late age of 14 years, when by then, I swore off my spectacles, donning them only when at home, or when an eye infection occurs. I grew my hair long and fitted my school uniform snugly under a still-boyish body except for the fact that my breasts were developing.
Boys started to notice me, for my personality that was alive only on stage performance but a very far-off person in reality as I only glide comfortably with my friends of the same gender but of different races. With them, I was the "IT" girl. The flamboyant-over-the-top girl. Boys tried to penetrate into my circle of life with their smooth talks, flatteries and attention. While I still stand behind the mask and stayed back from all the unwanted limelight.
Naturally, the girls in my school hated my persona. The niceties they played in front of me were nothing compared to the dirty looks I received behind my back and the untrue stories that spinned. What did I do? I was not even playing the same game as the boys that they worshipped the grounds on, I was just being myself.
Despite not taking the advances of the males, I kept my head cool till I succumb to my own hormones. The raging hormones of wanting to be loved and needing the attention of the opposite sex. I made my pick among the handful of boys that were flourishing me with attention and a couple of bad choices later, I fall in love with someone of the opposite race and religion. Which was not surprising as I do not feel the empathy being with someone from the same race.
Chinese Boy was similar like me. He was Mr Cool. In fact, I fall in love with him because of his Mr Cool persona more than anything. Like me, he does not speak to any Tom, Dick, Jill or Jane. He picks his clique and only stayed within. To me, he exudes the EXCLUSIVE aura and boy! Was I getting all tingly when he directed his attention to me.
He was my senior in high school and we were allocated Housing Systems for our Annual Sports Day. He was in a different Housing but yet when Training Days started, God, was I shocked to see him in the same House as me. He made a change to be together and pathetically, we have yet to even start talking to each other. His friends and mine were so surprised at our smitten behaviour towards each other, being shy and finally, during one of those Training Sessions that we had after school, he offered to walk me home.
In amidst the silence of us walking home, he finally broke the tranquility and our conversations flew as how it was supposed to be. 2 shy persons who barely knew each other would. He tried the straightfaced approach while I was all shy and red in the face. Reaching my lobby, he asked for my number and I gave it to him, both in our minds, wanting to know each other a little better. We made a phone-date and my heart thumped the loudest as I await for that fateful hour.
We met, spoke, bump into each other in school on a daily basis. And naturally, our feelings grew for each other. We decided to officially be together when we found ourselves sprinkled with the love dust. We could not get each other out of sight. We believed it was love.
All this time I was in love with Mr Cool, there was not once, as far as I remembered, did he disappoint my feelings. He was always there for me and even if that was too much, he would sent someone to remind me of just how much he cared for me. I was never made to walk home alone after school, I was chauffered in a cab, and keep in mind that home was just a nearly 15 minutes walk for me. His friends would escort me till my doorstep or should that not fall through, he made sure my good friends did so.
We would sit opposite each other during breaks, eventhough separated by a couple of tables, and we would lovingly mouthed "I love you" throughouts, trying not to get caught by friends and gosh, blushing was working full-time during those periods.
His love for soccer means he would dedicate a simple 2 hour in which he would bring me along, should I have no homeworks to deal with. After that we would spent some time together exploring the adulthood. His kisses drove me crazy and his touch liquifies me. There was even 2 occasions that we decided to spent our nights together. 1st in his friend's house on a campnight and 2nd on a chalet outing. I was dizzy with love and sexual favours were aplenty despite not engaging in the full act.
All this time, we were living in our own world. In the safety bubble of love, I surrendered my love and time to be with him. He is all I talked about, he is all I lived for. Educations and real friends were not put aside, while families understood our relationship. Or they tried to understand, is more like it. School mates, especially the boys who were of my race, despised the fact that I did not choose my own race as a boyfriend, hated me. The girls of his race hated me for he picked me as his girlfriend. While the girls of my race, rejoiced the fact that I was not going to pick their kind of meat. But despite all, they kept mum, in fear of Chinese Boy's quite well-known fiery temper should they step on his toes.
There was an occasion, I remembered clearly, overlooking the veranda of my classroom, I saw his spit of anger. He tore off a book and threw it right in the face of another student. My heart stopped beating as I looked on, never seen that side of him. I became fearful as to why Mr Cool lost his cool, which was so unlikely him. The side that I was advised not to see, as per his friends. I did not probe further with this matter as fear overtook me. But soon after the incident, it was Valentine's Day. Bought him gifts to symbolise my love for him and gosh! we were still smitten. A couple necklace we wore proudly to symbolise our status together.
Till I was home and on the phone whispering sweet-nothings to him, my doorbell rang. Flipped I did, when I saw the boy whose face was the receiving end of the torn textbook. In fear, I still opened the main door to see him holding a beautiful bouquet of flower and a box of chocolate. He muttered his apologies for intruding and explained that the reason of the bust-up a couple of days back was of him spatting a racist remark about me to Chinese Boy. And as I giddily digested the information, he thrusted the bouquet into my hands and scooted off. I flipped the little card that came along, and looked for a signee. The signee said, "From someone you are talking to on the phone."
Tears flowed from the gesture as I mumbled my "I love yous" to the Chinese Boy. Touched was an understatement as I gazed at the beautiful bouquet of rose and kept thinking, "How the hell did I get this lucky?"
A couple of months fleeted by with no major arguments. Sadly, I felt him distancing later in the late year. Being young and naive, I took it all in my stride as long as he treated me nice, which undoubtfully he always was. Till the day he dropped a bombshell on me. He brought me aside and confessed to his feelings of me being non-committal. To him, I did not plan for a future. He felt that I took a step a day which he did not like. He felt that I was taking things for granted, which guiltily, I was. It was a hard slap to my face. I tried to voice my defense, but nothing came out. Even when he called off our relationship, I just stood there, unable to move, unable to talk. I was in shock. He touched my face for the final time and walked off. Never to come back. After coming back to Earth, I remember fleeing from the scene and tears flowed like a river, unable to stop them. My teacher came after me seeing me in a trauma as I locked myself in a washroom. I cried my eyes out till my teacher had to call in my parents and bring me for counselling.
A couple of sessions later, I grew strong enough to face school, to face the possible jeers from the girls who hated my luck and guts and prominently to face him, My Chinese Boy. I went in with an iron will not to break down each time I lay my eyes on him. My real friends pulled me through the very difficult times that I was near breakdowns. As time passed by, with his batch graduating, I held my head high to speak to him again. I overcome that sadness, that fear. I approached, I spoke and I conquered my own defeat. If we were not good as a couple, we were good as friends. But we did not even stay as friends as he led his own path as I did. Not crossing each other's path in that many years.
Never say never, I told myself. For that many years have passed, I still thought of My Chinese Boy fondly. The sweet memories despite being peppered with the dramatic exit, I still kept him close to my heart, somehow. As 7 years passed by, with no shadows even, by fate, we bumped into each other in a public bus service! How appropriate! My heart thumped as like the first time I set my eyes on his pin-like eye faced. Shock was he, seeing me, and shock was I seeing him. I felt like running to him and just nuzzling my face into his neck, like in the past. Time stood still for both of us till he broke the silence. We exchanged our pleasantries and expressed missing each other thinking that either of us have moved out of the country! What a sight! He offered to go for lunch but I had to decline as I had a prior engagement. With heavy heart I exitted the bus but not before we pinkied-swear our promise to meet again for a catch-up.
Come what may, we had a beautiful friendship till now. He ever expressed his longing to search for me after all these years but yet the fear of me rejecting him stopped him somehow. Not till he saw me smiling at him in that bus, then his fear diminished. By then, he knew that I have forgiven him. For the way he left my life, while I was still very much in love with him.
Even as he broached a possibilty of us coming back together and giving him a chance to take care of me, once again, like he did in the past, I stopped short of agreeing. I wanted to love him back like he does, but I want to be sure, I love him for who he is, not for the past that we had, not for the money he can spend on me nor the luxuries I will receive. I wanted to stay true to our love, if we had any.
Dear Jellyfish,
I have always loved you, despite all. You were my boyfriend then, and you are my friend now. Till death do us part, losing you again, is not what I planned for me and you.
Love always, Starfish
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